Everyone is.aware of how destructive bullying is when people are bullied by others,  But self-bullying is equally destructive to self-esteem, and is counter productive.  Those who bully themselves are often those who feel that they should be perfect, and are down on themselves when they make a mistake and do not meet their expectations of how they should behave.

The truth is that none of us are perfect.  We all make mistakes at times.  The best way to look at a mistake is as a learning opportunity.  We can look at why we made the mistake and learn from it as to what we can do in the future to prevent making the same mistake again.

But when we get down on our self and feel that we are bad because of the mistake, we miss the opportunity to learn.  We get so tied up in telling our self that we are bad and worthless because of our mistake, that we are unable to look at why we made the mistake, so do not learn from it.

Ask yourself how you would respond to a friend who made the same mistake.  Would you treat them as though they were bad?  Would you tell them that they are worthless because they are not perfect? Probably not, because you would realize how detrimental it would be to their self-esteem.  You would want them to feel good about them self because you love them.

Self-bullying arises from a lack of self-love.  This may come from how you were treated in the past by parents or others, and from a decision that you had to be perfect in order to be lovable.  But treating yourself  as others treated you is not the answer because it can lead to self-hate, anxiety and depression, and may eventually lead to illness.

If you are someone who bullies yourself, start to look at your negative thoughts about yourself, and find some thoughts that will make you feel better.    Then whenever you find yourself thinking a negative thought, immediately switch to a more positive one.

Another way to defuse negative thoughts is to label them.  We tend to think that our thoughts are true, but in fact we think about 50.000 thoughts a day, and most of them are just random thoughts that have no meaning.  So if you have,  for example, a thought that you are worthless,  label it by saying ” I am thinking that I am worthless.”  This will allow you to see it as just a thought and not the truth,

Over time by constantly changing your negative thoughts about yourself you will start to feel better about yourself, stop bullying yourself, and will start to treat yourself as your own best friend.

The heart and brain are connected

For years the heart and brain have been considered to be completely separate organs that do not influence one another.  No-one thought that the heart and brain were connected.  But recently it has been shown that the heart has a network of neurons (brain cells) that act like a small brain.  This ‘brain’ has its own perceptions and it can adapt its behaviour according to these.  But it also affects, and is affected by the limbic (emotional ) area of the brain in the head.

Our brains have developed over millions of years, rather like a house whose owner adds new rooms as the need for them arises.  The most ancient area is the brain stem, an structure we share with all animals with backbones, including reptiles.  Because this was the original brain it governs all the vital functions, temperature, heartbeat, breathing, and blood pressure, the basic sensory functions, and voluntary motor function, and also functions such as swallowing and digestion.

The limbic system was the next area of the brain to develop.  This area, known as the emotional brain,  has a number of structures. which are concerned with keeping the body safe and in a state of balance, or homeostasis.  It is this area, which lies below the cortex (the conscious area of the brain)  which is connected to the ‘small brain’ in the heart.

The cortex or outer layer, the thinking area of the brain, and the pre-frontal cortex, the planning area, developed much later than the limbic system.  There are a few connections between these areas and the emotional brain, but on the whole the unconscious emotional brain and the conscious cortical brain do not  communicate with one another unless we train them to do it.   So, unless we use our cortical brains to continually take note of what our emotions telling us, we may remain largely unconscious of the information that our hearts send to our emotional brains.

When the emotional and cortical  brains are working together we are in a state of well-being, which comes from a balance between what our emotions and our rational thoughts are saying.  Well-being is the foundation of physical health.  We can use the heart’s ‘small brain’  to influence the emotional brain and vice versa.

You may have noticed that when you feel love for another, or remember something that was pleasant or made you feel happy, you immediately feel calmer and more at ease.  Even just focusing on your heart can bring about the same result (try it now, and see how you feel.)  This comes about because your heart is ‘speaking to’ your emotional brain and affecting the neuro-transmitters (chemical messengers made by brain cells) that are released.

Another way to influence the emotional brain is by regulating your heart rate, specifically your heart rate variability.  Although our overall heart-rate per minute may remain fairly constant when we are in a state of rest, the rate from heart-beat to heart-beat is highly variable.  When we are anxious, angry, or depressed the heart-beats from moment to moment vary wildly and become chaotic.  When we are in a state of well-being however, the heart-beat varies regularly, alternating between speeding up and slowing down.  This is known as coherence.

Variability in heart-rate is an important indicator of health.  Little variability from beat-to-beat indicates that the heart is failing and is a predictor of death from heart failure.  On the other hand, frequent chaotic variability indicates a high level of stress that can affect physical and/or mental health.

There are hand-held or computerized programs that you can buy to train you heart rate to become more coherent.  But you can also take some free regular actions to increase your heart’s coherence.  For example, you can take time each day to sit quietly and notice what you are feeling.  Then:

• focus on your heart and imagine that you are breathing in and out through it (so your breath is coming in and out through the center of your chest.);
• try to make the in-breath and the out-breath about the same length;
• once you have established a rhythm, remember or think about something pleasant that makes you feel happy.
• do this twice a day for about ten minutes, or more often if you are under a lot of stress.
• notice how you feel after each session; it will get easier and more effective with practice.

Try this, especially if you are feeling a lot of tension and stress, or have chronic pain or a chronic condition.  Take note of your emotions and symptoms before and after this exercise, and over time, and write them down so you can notice any changes that may occur slowly.

Information for this post from: David Servan-Schreiber,  MD PHd, The Instinct to Heal: Curing Depression, Anxiety and Stress Without Drugs and Without Talk Therapy.

Photo Credit (Heart) Patrick J. Lynch, medical illustrator